These days, the words "Hot" and "Spicy" are adjectives I'm unfortunately not using often. But while they may be missing from my Match.com inbox, they have certainly found their way back into my life via scrambled eggs, poultry, and on certain occasions my body. Who is this mystery man? Oh, just my good friend Sriracha... you know, with the silent "r". So chic.To that red, firecracker Hot chili paste on my tongue Pour too much on everything But the damage has been done You deliver me the perfect spice An addiction I can’t stop The excitement spreads across my face As I twist open that green top Perfect during breakfast time For lunch, dinner, or just grazin’ The way your spices make me feel Makes me think I’m partly Asian You taste so good with everything You’re a true “anytime” food booster So grab that sauce for that salad tossed And shake up that little rooster Pour it all over my body please Some may call me a binger I’d even lather my hair in that stuff Even if it meant identifying as a ginger So to all the people of the world It's time to spice up your life Every dentist, child, gerbil and squirrel Grab your lover and maybe your wife It's the new sugar between neighbors “You ran out?... Oh I’ve gotcha” Bringing nations together With the burning sensation of Sriracha
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I'm not entirely certain when my obsession with that big, strong, warehouse of passion began but what I am sure of is that it is a mutual relationship that will most likely last forever... Or at least until my dad decides to stop paying my membership fees. Regardless, Costco is something I can always count on. Whether I need cheap liquor, a seasons worth of Tampax Pearl, or a new 72" flat screen that I will most definitely return after Super Bowl Sunday (or the new season of Toddlers and Tiaras), Costco always has whatever it is I need to fill an insatiable desire. I definitely wouldn't be the woman I am today without it, that's for sure!Ever since I was a child Not too long ago I’ve had a budding relationship With a place called Costco I got this passion from my father For bulk items and great sales He passed down his wisdom and knowledge And his ingrown toenails But I can forgive him for those Because he’s so big and mature While others learned to play T-ball I was taught about Kirkland Signature
At some point in the last couple years I graduated from one pair of nude colored, shorts-style Spanx to having a drawer of them fuller than the one holding my padded bras and sorority T-shirts. Some people go to a therapist to keep themselves in order and feel their best... I wear Spanx. Please join me in saying a hymn for one of the saints in my life...
Dear Spanx:I can't thank you enough Without you I'd be a mess I'm reminded of your beauty In my bodycon dress I would do anything for your love Like a fraternity pledger People are starting to catch on Like Lululemon and Herve Leger But no one can replace you How you look at me is so cute And I love those little hot pockets You leave loosely for my glutes Celebs even love you Think of all those hot bodies you wrap Like Kim, Eva, and Beyonce And that girl from Parent Trap My days can be challenging But you make life so worth living I can binge eat Chipotle And you're still so forgiving So I stayed home from the gym Eating Doritos on the couch But you didn't hold it against me And still smoothed my belly pouch When I last checked your site I just couldn't believe it You now make Spanx for Men! I'm sure he really needs it You suck everything in tightly And make a perfect package out of me Like those genius Vacuum Bags I always see on QVC When I have to look sexy, You're somebody I can rely on It's the most love I've ever felt For a blend of Lycra and Nylon So here in conclusion From my perfectly shaped thigh Keep up all the hard work You're a hell of a guy! Amen.
Sunday is the Lord's day. A day to give back and be thankful for those things in life that we truly appreciate. So what better time is there to write a hymn about something I truly worship?
This week I have been especially thankful for men who wear Ferrari Brand clothing...To Juan: It was another night out, bored with men at the bars But then I saw the passion in your eyes for dollar bills and fast cars You approached me so sultry, Never seen a man so bold And then like a sign from above, I saw that emblem in Gold The way that Ferrari logo laid ever so gently across your pec, You clearly had drive and true passion, and a large pay check We talked about cars, I told you about my 92' Suburban You quickly changed the subject to your cousin who's Persian You were so modest the whole time, I probably sounded like a brat And without further adieu, you slipped on a matching red hat We talked about driving down the coast, and how much you loved Cali' Images of love flashed through my head, like when Harry met Sally So I chugged that shot of Smirnoff and finished your beer "It's time to bump and grind, lets get out of here" You paid the valet ticket, as I knew you could afford And then out of nowhere I saw it... your Honda Accord! As they handed you your keychain, with a lanyard that said "Juan" I realized I too could have that shirt, for $18.93 here on Amazon Amen.