Sunday Worship: Novocaine

It's that time again.  Time to reflect on the blessings of the week.  And I thought... Why not spice things up a bit?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you this FREESTYLE (music video if you will) on why I am most thankful for Novocaine this week.

The Magic between Mike and I

Not too long ago a group of friends and I decided to spend our Friday night soaking up the sexiness that is Magic Mike.  Opening Day?  Sure.  Why Not.

As my friend Bonnie so perfectly put it...

"I am genuinely embarrassed for the female race"

We arrived to pick up our tickets at will call and were quickly informed that the line wrapping halfway down the street and around the corner was precisely where we should wait.  It was unlike any line I've ever seen with the exception of the time Ryan Cabrera came to my local Best Buy and signed my "On The Way Down" CD.

When we got to the theater it was a madhouse.  I've never shopped a big sale on Black Friday but I can imagine this is what it would be like.  I was flailing and running into anything that crossed my path.   Pre-menopausal women and a few gay men (and not even the fabulous West Hollywood kind) were darting every which way in search of the perfect love cushion in which to rest their bosoms for the next two hours of ecstasy.  Woah.  That was deep.  We found an adequate quadra-cushion for the four of us gals and started stretching.

To be honest, the storyline wasn't the best but I'm not gonna lie and say I took my eyes away from the screen for a second.  If I've learned anything from the movie it was that if this blogging/modeling thing doesn't work out, I can always take up stripping and put together a mean rendition of the In-N-Out drive thru speaker attendant turned meat market play toy.  Or King Kong.  Something like that.

Needless to say I have a couple ideas for the sequel...

Sunday Worship: Instagram

I've always been overly obsessed with the Iphone but when they went ahead and pulled this Instagram business out of nowhere, I knew my loyalty could never falter.  My friend Jenny told me I HAD to download it and since she is always full of truth, I followed her orders.  I'm especially grateful for it today because it has a way of making my life look much cooler than it actually is.  Currently, it is 3pm on a Sunday.  I am covered in Spray Tan and am wearing a full grey sweatsuit and a red pair of socks I got for free during a flight on Virgin Atlantic.   You ain't gonna find that magic on Instagram.  Or are you...

For those of you with a Nokia phone or who are not familiar with Instagram's capabilities, here's an example of what it can do.  You simply upload a photo of yourself, choose a filter, and VOILA!...

So to Instagram, I write this hymn...

I woke up this morning

Feeling a little bit rough

I've got to keep up my image

but today it's gonna be tough

 

All my followers are waiting

As they scroll through their feed

Photos of babies, vacations,

And quotes of how to succeed

 

But how can I contribute

When I'm doing nothing at all

but watching Dr. Phil reruns

Waiting for someone to call?

 

Thats when a lightbulb flashed on

I knew just what I should do

My mom said anything is possible

When you have X Pro II

 

I found a great old photo

With nice makeup and hair

But... wait...SH*DFJKHL*ADSLK*JDHI!!!!

It won't fit in the square!

 

So on to option B

It's sure as hell to be a winner

So without further adieu

Here's what I'm having for dinner...

 

AMEN

 

*And if you want to follow me on Instagram and see tons of pictures of how glamorous and exciting my life is, my name is @danikabrysha 

 

 

 

 

Five Things I Know For Sure...

In an age of uncertainty, it's nice to know there are some things you can count on.  Here are five things I know for sure... 1.  No matter what, my car will always smell like sour milk

2.  That the "double bra" phase (yes, two bras layered on top of each other) that I recently went through seemed like a good idea at the time.

3.  That my retainers will never fit comfortably again

4.  That the website www.babyrazzi.com may or may not be on my bookmarks bar

5.  That my dad's dream of me becoming a professional shot-putter isn't in the near future.  I'm not saying it won't happen, just not any time this week.

Have a great weekend!

Sunday Worship- Spanx

At some point in the last couple years I graduated from one pair of nude colored, shorts-style Spanx to having a drawer of them fuller than the one holding my padded bras and sorority T-shirts.  Some people go to a therapist to keep themselves in order and feel their best... I wear Spanx.  Please join me in saying a hymn for one of the saints in my life...

Dear Spanx:

I can't thank you enough

Without you I'd be a mess

I'm reminded of your beauty

In my bodycon dress 

 

I would do anything for your love

Like a fraternity pledger

People are starting to catch on

Like Lululemon and Herve Leger 

 

But no one can replace you

How you look at me is so cute

And I love those little hot pockets

You leave loosely for my glutes

 

Celebs even love you

Think of all those hot bodies you wrap

Like Kim, Eva, and Beyonce

And that girl from Parent Trap

 

My days can be challenging

But you make life so worth living

I can binge eat Chipotle

And you're still so forgiving

 

So I stayed home from the gym

Eating Doritos on the couch

But you didn't hold it against me

And still smoothed my belly pouch

 

When I last checked your site

I just couldn't believe it

You now make Spanx for Men!

I'm sure he really needs it

 

 

You suck everything in tightly

And make a perfect package out of me

Like those genius Vacuum Bags

I always see on QVC

 

When I have to look sexy,

You're somebody I can rely on

It's the most love I've ever felt

For a blend of Lycra and Nylon

 

So here in conclusion

From my perfectly shaped thigh

Keep up all the hard work

You're a hell of a guy!

 

Amen.

Phone Contacts Storage

I've come here today to teach all of you a valuable lesson.  I have previously discussed cell phone etiquette with you, but in a day when space and time is of peak importance, it is crucial that when we need to make a call, we can navigate our contacts with ease and practicality.  As an example, I have taken some of my phone contacts and am sharing with you the most ideal way of organizing them so that when you need one, it can be easily at your fingertips...

1. BY BAR/RESTAURANT/FRATERNITY NAME...

        

2. BY WHAT BENEFIT THEY COULD BE TO YOUR CAREER...

    

3.  SO YOU CAN FIND THEM WHEN YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING...

  

*At what point does a person you hitchhiked with turn into a person you can regularly call for a ride?

4. BY DISTINGUISHING CHARACTERISTICS...

    

*If you're wondering why he is called "Blaze Picture Guy" it is because he kindly texted me these photos of himself the next morning for a refresher...

  

... I won't be mad if you want to save that middle one to your desktop.

5. BY ANIMAL OR OBJECT...

   

6. BY LOCATION...

  

7. SO YOU KNOW NOT TO PICK UP...

  

*Raul:  In college my loving friends gave my number to a group of 11 year old boys at the Winter X-Games.  Raul must have taken a liking to me because he would call to chat at various points throughout the day.  I don't think 11 year olds should have cell phones. When I was 11 I had a Tamagotchi and a Baby G watch.

*I left Princeton's phone number visible because I'm sure he would love a few extra customers.  Feel free to call but just know that once you do, there is no turning back.

7. BY DATING SITE...

 

Note: David Match is different from David Match Texas, I checked the numbers.

8. HONORABLE MENTION...

  

*"Young" in no way refers to somebody of a lower age number.  "Young" does however refer to a man I met while driving on Hollywood Blvd. that invited me to the Grammy's with him and 108% did not have tickets to the Grammy's.

MORAL OF THE STORY:  If you're not going to be able to recall who a person is or how you know them, then chances are you probably don't need to be storing them in your phone.

For more info on this topic please click here...

The Office Bathroom

(Originally published: October 28, 2010)

I have to bring to the surface something that is having a large and critical effect on my everyday life.  You may deal with this too in many situations.

Maybe it’s a silent hallway while visiting your therapist.  Maybe you’re visiting the in-laws and they made you share a bedroom with great Uncle Chad.  Maybe you met a nice chap at Drais’ Hollywood last night, proceeded to eat mashed potatoes covered in teriyaki when you were drunk, and woke up to a quaint studio apartment with one of those glass bathroom doors that show an elegant tan-ish silhouette of any bodily gesture you may make while in there…. Or maybe you work in my office.

Which brings me to the point.

The women’s restroom at my work is located down a long hall, just far enough from the quiet open-doored offices to wonder if they can hear what I had for lunch.  There are only two stalls, one sink, and usually about 3-7 cockroaches at a time.

Every time I exit, I look around to see if anyone is staring at me.  If not… all good.  I’ve always wondered what the people in the office right across from the bathrooms know about each co-worker’s bowels.  It’s almost as powerful as the woman who sits across from the office kitchen door and sees how many times you enter and exit, and the exact amount of time you spend in there “stocking the fridge”.

Regardless, I found that there are a few common trends amongst people and their office bathroom habits.  Now, keep in mind that the office bathroom is not extremely different from your average roommate bathroom, sorority bathroom, or Costco bathroom;  but I have found that it really takes the cake on evoking strategic basic human behaviors.

Here are a few of my favorite things about the office john...

-       Everyone loves a good cup-o-joe in the A.M. but not everyone plans for the office bathroom Coffee Rush.  It is that moment of the day, around 10:50am that everyone has finished their coffee and takes a little more notice of the amount of people at their desks and tries to put together a ratio of how many people could possibly be in the bathroom at that given time.  If it looks like a lot of people are present at their desks that gives you the go ahead to make your moves.  Best of luck this morning.  (Round 2 tends to happen around 1:35pm after lunch has digested)

-       Another favorite is when you walk into the bathroom and your boss follows right behind.  It is this weird hierarchy where you want to let her have the handicapped stall or something a little more significant but you also realize that you happen to be a human being of the same, if not better caliber.  It also is an opportunity to have one of the longest conversations you will ever be allowed to have with your boss and you’ll usually talk about what you ate that got you into this “unfamiliar” bathroom circumstance.  “What?  My boss goes to the bathroom too?  We’re not so different after all.”

-       One of the best office bathroom quotes I got last week while quietly sitting was a voice from the right stall:  “Are those Danika’s shoes?”…

Well yes, yes they are.  Was it the size 11 that gave it away?  This was followed by some information on why your bladder gets smaller after giving birth.  I don’t have kids.  I don’t even have a sex life.

- Now, my favorite thing is when you’ve come in, checked both stalls (you’re on your own, awesome) and just as you sit down, you hear the creak of the door.  Here’s where the quick thinking comes in.   You have one of two choices…

1. Pretend you already went and fiddle with the toilet paper dispenser a little bit.  Pull up your pants, flush the toilet dramatically, and unlock the door with vigor.  Do a small “Heyyyyy” when you cross paths and be sure to wash your hands long enough to believe you used soap.  You don’t want to be that guy who doesn’t wash their hands, even if in reality that is precisely you.
2. Dance your feet around a bit so that they are aware you are in there, kinda like a “heads up, don’t fully let loose cause I’m in here and will be the whole time you are”.  Follow this with sitting in absolute silence until they are finished.  DO NOT give away any tips as to who the mystery woman behind door A is.  (It also helps not to wear green converse or gold sequin stilettos that can be easily identified later while making copies)

-       And last but certainly not least:  The default/forced hand wash...

• Scenario:  You clench your legs together and waddle to the bathroom after eating a little too much sour cream on that Chipotle Burrito Bowl.  You know things are about to get messy so you pretend you are in the American speed-walking championships.  You make it to the bano and low and behold… the god damn accountant from Suite 15C is lingering like she’s in a Jacuzzi tub.  You have no choice.   You further clench and head to the sink.  Pump the soap like a dry keg.  Splash around some water and check your teeth.  Pull out an environmentally unconscious amount of paper towels and be on your way.  You just needed to wash your hands anyways.

P.S.  We’re having Indian food for lunch today.  My Choice.