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Filtering by Category: Things That Need to Be Addressed

The Office Bathroom

Danika Brysha

(Originally published: October 28, 2010)

I have to bring to the surface something that is having a large and critical effect on my everyday life.  You may deal with this too in many situations.

Maybe it’s a silent hallway while visiting your therapist.  Maybe you’re visiting the in-laws and they made you share a bedroom with great Uncle Chad.  Maybe you met a nice chap at Drais’ Hollywood last night, proceeded to eat mashed potatoes covered in teriyaki when you were drunk, and woke up to a quaint studio apartment with one of those glass bathroom doors that show an elegant tan-ish silhouette of any bodily gesture you may make while in there…. Or maybe you work in my office.

Which brings me to the point.

The women’s restroom at my work is located down a long hall, just far enough from the quiet open-doored offices to wonder if they can hear what I had for lunch.  There are only two stalls, one sink, and usually about 3-7 cockroaches at a time.

Every time I exit, I look around to see if anyone is staring at me.  If not… all good.  I’ve always wondered what the people in the office right across from the bathrooms know about each co-worker’s bowels.  It’s almost as powerful as the woman who sits across from the office kitchen door and sees how many times you enter and exit, and the exact amount of time you spend in there “stocking the fridge”.

Regardless, I found that there are a few common trends amongst people and their office bathroom habits.  Now, keep in mind that the office bathroom is not extremely different from your average roommate bathroom, sorority bathroom, or Costco bathroom;  but I have found that it really takes the cake on evoking strategic basic human behaviors.

Here are a few of my favorite things about the office john...

-       Everyone loves a good cup-o-joe in the A.M. but not everyone plans for the office bathroom Coffee Rush.  It is that moment of the day, around 10:50am that everyone has finished their coffee and takes a little more notice of the amount of people at their desks and tries to put together a ratio of how many people could possibly be in the bathroom at that given time.  If it looks like a lot of people are present at their desks that gives you the go ahead to make your moves.  Best of luck this morning.  (Round 2 tends to happen around 1:35pm after lunch has digested)

-       Another favorite is when you walk into the bathroom and your boss follows right behind.  It is this weird hierarchy where you want to let her have the handicapped stall or something a little more significant but you also realize that you happen to be a human being of the same, if not better caliber.  It also is an opportunity to have one of the longest conversations you will ever be allowed to have with your boss and you’ll usually talk about what you ate that got you into this “unfamiliar” bathroom circumstance.  “What?  My boss goes to the bathroom too?  We’re not so different after all.”

-       One of the best office bathroom quotes I got last week while quietly sitting was a voice from the right stall:  “Are those Danika’s shoes?”…

Well yes, yes they are.  Was it the size 11 that gave it away?  This was followed by some information on why your bladder gets smaller after giving birth.  I don’t have kids.  I don’t even have a sex life.

- Now, my favorite thing is when you’ve come in, checked both stalls (you’re on your own, awesome) and just as you sit down, you hear the creak of the door.  Here’s where the quick thinking comes in.   You have one of two choices…

  1. Pretend you already went and fiddle with the toilet paper dispenser a little bit.  Pull up your pants, flush the toilet dramatically, and unlock the door with vigor.  Do a small “Heyyyyy” when you cross paths and be sure to wash your hands long enough to believe you used soap.  You don’t want to be that guy who doesn’t wash their hands, even if in reality that is precisely you.
  2. Dance your feet around a bit so that they are aware you are in there, kinda like a “heads up, don’t fully let loose cause I’m in here and will be the whole time you are”.  Follow this with sitting in absolute silence until they are finished.  DO NOT give away any tips as to who the mystery woman behind door A is.  (It also helps not to wear green converse or gold sequin stilettos that can be easily identified later while making copies)

-       And last but certainly not least:  The default/forced hand wash...

  • Scenario:  You clench your legs together and waddle to the bathroom after eating a little too much sour cream on that Chipotle Burrito Bowl.  You know things are about to get messy so you pretend you are in the American speed-walking championships.  You make it to the bano and low and behold… the god damn accountant from Suite 15C is lingering like she’s in a Jacuzzi tub.  You have no choice.   You further clench and head to the sink.  Pump the soap like a dry keg.  Splash around some water and check your teeth.  Pull out an environmentally unconscious amount of paper towels and be on your way.  You just needed to wash your hands anyways.

P.S.  We’re having Indian food for lunch today.  My Choice.

Jenny P's Health Tips

Danika Brysha

(Originally published: October 26, 2010)

My friend Jennifer does this thing all the time where she likes to grace us with some essential health tips for living life to the fullest.

All this coming from the girl who tried the Master Cleanse, hid in the aisles of a Barstow, CA truck stop, and rapidly threw back Nacho Cheese Doritos in secret so the others wouldn't know.  She admitted it about a year later.  Maybe it's the only child in her.

Listed below are a few key points I have gathered over time and I feel 100% confident putting them in quotation marks.

  1. "You could honestly eat anything at breakfast time.  Even cake.  Like honestly.  Cause you burn it all off by nighttime."
  2. "Seriously, as long as you don't eat after 6pm you can literally eat anything."
  3. "When I played soccer, I ate a full bag of Goldfish a day. But seriously, all you have to do is walk a little more and you could eat like whatever you want."
  4. "Just don't eat carbs after 5."
  5. "I'm not gonna wake up to workout anymore cause you just lose weight if you sleep a lot more."
  6. Eat every 5 hours, ANYTHING you want, like as long as it's small..... I mean, eat every 2.5 hours..."
  7. "Do not eat salad dressing on your salads.  It's all fattening no matter what they say."
  8. "If you are hungry before bed just have a bite of something.  Then you won't wake up hungry."
  9. "People who drink wine like lose more weight because they like aren't stressed."
  10. "Don't eat sauce.  Eat anything else."

Thank God She's Pretty

Things Gisele Bundchen and I Have in Common

Danika Brysha

(Originally published: October 25, 2010)

I was staring at myself in the bathroom mirror at work and suddenly realized that Giselle Bundchen and I have A LOT in common.

Below are some of the most prominent and obvious similarities

#1.  She is a Supermodel.  I am (occasionally rarely) a Plus-Size Model.

#2.  She is married to an NFL quarterback.  I once made out with an unnamed NFL quarterback.

#3.  She is from Brazil.  I went to Brazil one time and stepped on a Red Ant Hill

#4. After I stepped on the Brazilian Ant Hill I went to wash off my bare foot and stepped in dog feces.  Gisele has dogs.

#5. She models for Victoria’s Secret.  I like to order clothes from Victoria’s secret because they run big and make me feel thinner.

#6.  She models for Christian Dior.  I model for Indian Taxi-Bicycles.

#7.  She likes Louis Vuitton bags.  My friend Kayley has a Louis Vuitton bag and I'm pretty sure my mom has an LV wallet insert.

#8.  She has a baby named Ben.  When I was in 5th grade I watched Ben Affleck in "The Voyage of the Mimi".

Ok, cool.  I think I covered all the bases.

Halloween- Beyond the Sexy Schoolgirl

Danika Brysha

(Originally published: October 25, 2010)
In honor of the holiday, I have put together my TOP 20 most prized costumes over the years.
Hopefully it will inspire you to have a totally radical 2010 Halloween Costume. At the very least, it may inspire you to consider having an intervention with me about how I choose to use my free time.
I love Halloween. I don't know if it is the chubby kid inside who just gets excited about free candy, or the fact that on the very day, a stellar costume can get me more attention than the next blonde in a tube top.
Obviously this post is very important so be sure to read it completely and thoroughly.
#1 BALD EAGLE- to give it a more realistic effect, try painting your feet neon yellow and going barefoot


#2 SMURF- be prepared to scrub down all your toilet seats and any sort of sitting paraphernalia you will be using unless you are working with a blue color scheme in your home
#3 BUNNY My parents probably had no idea years ago when they put the bunny idea in my head... To this day I am regularly embarrassed that I ever attended a "playboy bunny" frat party. If you stop reading now I understand.

#4 ZEBRA I recommend not using Sharpie on your face... especially if you have a commitment the next morning, like, say, oh I don't know, visiting an orphanage in rural India.

#5 OPRAH I hear designated body paint stays on a little better than Acrylic. Next time...

#6 FIREMAN This wasn't really Halloween, we just locked our keys in the car in the mountains so we killed some time while the firemen got them out
#7 CHOLA Cheeto Crumbs are an essential detail to complete the look

8 RON BURGANDY & VERONICA CORNINGSTONE (ANCHORMAN) - you have to hang out with people of the opposite sex to do a couples costume. Luckily at this point in my life I had a lot of guy friends since all my female friends were really hot


#9 RICHARD SIMMONS You can only pull this off if you have a VERY UNBELIEVABLY athletic body, like myself

#10 MISS PIGGY... child abuse

#12 IN-N-OUT EMPLOYEE- as most of you know this was not Halloween either.. it was my real life... (The roller blades were an added touch in college but definitely a safety hazard)

#13 CHRISTMAS GIFT- my bag ripped immediately upon my first bathroom visit. Apparently these aren't one size fits all.
#14 EMO No one talked to Molly nor I that night.... I think we were in bed by 11
#15 NERD Most people went as sexy nurses...
#18 WHERE'S WALDO Try to find him in pictures #2 and #3

#19 DOUBLE DOUBLE Locked the top bun in my minivan in High School. Had to wait for the AAA guy in the bottom half of the costume.

#20 and finally... PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY clearly I slutted it up a little when I got to college.... had to fit in in the sorority...